I am on the struggle bus this week. Stuck in the “it could have been me so what am I doing with this chance at life” stuff. Not exactly sure if that constitutes survivors guilt or something else. Something different. Maybe not as painful as “it should have been me” but still meaningful and difficultContinue reading “What to do With Extra Chances”
Tag Archives: ptsd
Two Out of Three
I just realized I never wrote about my tattoo! Last year I wrote my three post-retirement goals in my post Tattoos, Baldness, and PJ Pants: shave my head, get a tattoo, and walk around Walmart in PJ pants. Amazingly, I’ve knocked out the first two but still have yet to walk around Walmart in PJs—scaryContinue reading “Two Out of Three”
Brain Tornado
If anyone is curious what it looks like inside of the brain of someone who has PTSD/CPTSD caused by someone they love, here ya go… But with a bunch of fun, conflicting phrases like “love you” “hate you” “miss you” “fuck you” constantly wrestling with each other when you think about that person. Which wouldContinue reading “Brain Tornado”
Tired
I am tiredThoughts that never slowFear that never leavesFlashbacks that never dimPain that never subsidesDreams that never endCloudy realityVivid pastAlive in the nightJust let me sleep
The “D” Word
These first two weeks of school have been really neat. I’m excited to start our actual classes on Monday. I’ve said it before and will likely say it many more times, but I don’t think I could have picked a better school for my MBA. I’ve been super impressed so far. Not having many out-of-homeContinue reading “The “D” Word”
In the Darkness
Sometimeswords do not workButfeelings doeven when you wish they didn’t Love others. Love self. Love coffee. #coffeewithasideofcowbell #coffeeandcowbell #grief #trauma #anniversary #momblog #family
What Makes a Dream a Nightmare…
With PTSD, one of the many ways intrusive thoughts interfere with everyday life is through nightmares. Every PTSD questionnaire I’ve answered has asked if I have nightmares. Until VERY recently, I assumed nightmares had to be excessively scary. When my daughter dreamt that a bear was chasing her and she woke up begging me toContinue reading “What Makes a Dream a Nightmare…”
Forever 10 at 24
Goneand I wish I could forgetTo see your spark in my kidsslowly chips away my soulDid you know?Were you scared?I heard you on the phoneI am the last one alive who heard your voiceWhat did you say?What could I have said?I don’t want to imagine you as an adultit just reminds me that you neverContinue reading “Forever 10 at 24”
Therapy Again…
Just finished up my intake at the Syracuse VA so I can start working through trauma in the PTSD Clinic. Some days I just want the shit in my head to go away. It’s so weird thinking that I’ve been stuck in a similar mental state for 13 years. There’s a chance I’ll be 75Continue reading “Therapy Again…”
Onward to Therapy! Again!
I finished up my regular therapy sessions in early June. CPT is rough for anyone, but add to it that my therapist and I didn’t really jive, and you can guess that it was a very long and painful six months, with sessions ranging from once every two weeks to twice a week. Since thenContinue reading “Onward to Therapy! Again!”