Cracked

*Trigger Warning* I have to write. I spent multiple evenings this week trying to help a small group talk someone down from ending their life. I’ve been through this on multiple scales before—in a way with my dad, where it ended more negatively than I imagined it would and I didn’t fully realize that dyingContinue reading “Cracked”

What to do With Extra Chances

I am on the struggle bus this week. Stuck in the “it could have been me so what am I doing with this chance at life” stuff. Not exactly sure if that constitutes survivors guilt or something else. Something different. Maybe not as painful as “it should have been me” but still meaningful and difficultContinue reading “What to do With Extra Chances”

Brain Tornado

If anyone is curious what it looks like inside of the brain of someone who has PTSD/CPTSD caused by someone they love, here ya go… But with a bunch of fun, conflicting phrases like “love you” “hate you” “miss you” “fuck you” constantly wrestling with each other when you think about that person. Which wouldContinue reading “Brain Tornado”

Reuniting

What must you feelTo take yourself awayFrom the world you are inDo you feel too muchOr nothing at allMaybe you are already goneEven when we still see youSo your leaving is just reunitingYour body with your soulYou leave us to find ourselvesGroping for answersFor strengthFor youIf we are lucky We can keep ourselfShattered but inContinue reading “Reuniting”

What Makes a Dream a Nightmare…

With PTSD, one of the many ways intrusive thoughts interfere with everyday life is through nightmares. Every PTSD questionnaire I’ve answered has asked if I have nightmares. Until VERY recently, I assumed nightmares had to be excessively scary. When my daughter dreamt that a bear was chasing her and she woke up begging me toContinue reading “What Makes a Dream a Nightmare…”

Therapy Again…

Just finished up my intake at the Syracuse VA so I can start working through trauma in the PTSD Clinic. Some days I just want the shit in my head to go away. It’s so weird thinking that I’ve been stuck in a similar mental state for 13 years. There’s a chance I’ll be 75Continue reading “Therapy Again…”

Medical Retirement Confirmed

FINALLY got my ratings back from the medical board—I will indeed be medically retired. Amazingly, they rated me higher than I was expecting, which means I’ll be making significantly more money monthly which is huge because we had estimated our family income dropping 60%, but it’ll only drop 40% (at least for the next fewContinue reading “Medical Retirement Confirmed”

Rainbows, Unicorns, and Motherhood #6: Selfcare(ish)

I’ve been stressed. PTSD, anxiety, kids, anxiety, Marine Corps, anxiety, medical board (taking months longer than it is supposed to), anxiety, home buying, anxiety, marriage, anxiety, housekeeping, anxiety, and a sprinkling of…dare I say depression? Not really sure what that is but it’s bugging me. Today was a “take-a-bath-with-your-kid-while-watching-Scooby-Doo” and “pour Ovaltine on your spoonfulContinue reading “Rainbows, Unicorns, and Motherhood #6: Selfcare(ish)”

Onward to Therapy! Again!

I finished up my regular therapy sessions in early June. CPT is rough for anyone, but add to it that my therapist and I didn’t really jive, and you can guess that it was a very long and painful six months, with sessions ranging from once every two weeks to twice a week. Since thenContinue reading “Onward to Therapy! Again!”