Cracked

*Trigger Warning*

I have to write.

I spent multiple evenings this week trying to help a small group talk someone down from ending their life.

I’ve been through this on multiple scales before—in a way with my dad, where it ended more negatively than I imagined it would and I didn’t fully realize that dying was in the plan; and multiple times with Marines where we either were able to get them to the hospital immediately or get them to promise to not do anything throughout the evening, providing a watch, and then getting them to the hospital the next day.

Turns out in the civilian world you can’t make someone get evaluated (does depend on state). I never imagined that you couldn’t have someone forced into the hospital if they are a danger to themselves. Definitely a thing in the military. Definitely makes life harder when that is not an option.

I am very sensitive to negative mental health vibes, as you can imagine. Losing nearly half of your family in a single day to murder-suicide will do that. Also, even with positive endings the impact each of these events has been unbelievably burdensome. They are major triggers, but I can’t ignore them when I see a red flag.

Stairs cause why not?

I’ve gone pretty overboard with my attempts at interference before, and there is definitely a large selfish aspect to that—I’m not sure how I will handle another negative outcome with a person that I am personally interacting with. I imagine the impact will be significantly disproportionate to the relationship I had with the person. Hopefully I don’t ever need to find out.

I am drained. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car. My mood is noticeably depressed. I am terrified. I can’t focus. I don’t want to be around my kids. I randomly break out crying (alone). My dreams have had my dad in them for multiple evenings in a row. I can’t talk to my husband. I’ve been having hella flashbacks. I can’t distance myself from the situation though because I want—NEED—to help.

The person isn’t out of the woods yet—there is still a lot going on. I’m hoping tonight is quiet—that they can get some peaceful rest and that I can too. I need them to make it through this; to see a future and work toward it.

Love others. Love self. Love coffee.

#coffeewithasideofcowbell #coffeeandcowbell #suicideawareness #pleasestay #survivor #trauma

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