These first two weeks of school have been really neat. I’m excited to start our actual classes on Monday. I’ve said it before and will likely say it many more times, but I don’t think I could have picked a better school for my MBA. I’ve been super impressed so far.
Not having many out-of-home commitments over the last 10 months has been nice. I feel like I am over the Marine Corps (more on this in the future) and well reacquainted with the family. I struggle a lot knowing and feeling like I used to be able to juggle a million things and now I don’t think I can juggle much. Starting back at school was the first test of that.
Pre-term wasn’t difficult or over taxing at all, but it was almost immediate that I started disassociating. Always fun to kinda “come back to reality” in the middle of a conversation…so you’re talking and then suddenly start thinking “WTF am I talking about and what did I do to get in this conversation.” I assume most people disassociate occasionally…but you know what they say about assumptions…
Having those experiences over and over again is going to make these two years difficult. I know what I want out of this program, but I can’t be on autopilot to hit those goals.
I also forgot how many additional triggers I encounter when I am out of the house. I’ve got my normal immediate family and extended family, but now I also get to interact with 280+ people on a regular basis AND have a lot of alone time—between classes, before class, after class, and during all the campus walking. Alone time is my nemesis. You’d think after two years in therapy I’d have this “self-coping” thing down. Does not seem to be the case.
When I am “present” at school I usually feel overstimulated. I’ll look around and notice I seem to be the only student of 280 not engaged in conversation. This is a very interactive program, so I am sure that doesn’t look good on me.
F you PTSD.
Love others. Love self. Love coffee.
#coffeewithasideofcowbell #coffeeandcowbell #trauma #cornelljohnson #mba #ithaca