This year marks 13 years since losing my dad and two sisters in a murder/suicide. It took me until last year to finally ask for help dealing with the incident. It’s never too late to start addressing issues and taking care of yourself…you deserve to feel safe, healthy, and joyful no matter what you’ve been through.
I wrote this last year and feel it did a good job capturing my thoughts.
[20 April 2020 was] the 12 year anniversary of losing Haley, Zoey, and Jeff (my dad).
There are 365 days and 12 months in a year.
I’ve learned over the years that nearly everyone has a Month. If you’re reading this to someone out loud you won’t catch it, but in that second sentence “Month” is capitalized—it’s a proper noun. It’s not a common noun, it’s a single entity…something that deserves and warrants its own name and emphasis separate from the other common months of the year. Months (vice months) are characterized by a moment of great tragedy. I find it weird that I don’t have a Month for moments of great happiness…those moments are restricted to days, and I assume that to be so for most other people.
April is my Month.
April has happy events: birthdays, spring, (usually) Easter, but it’s impossible to counter what makes it my Month. Heartache, fear, anxiety, anger, confusion…all present at random times but never as much as in April. Some years March nears being considered a Month just because of the dread for April. Some years I’m so busy that April is nearly a typical month, just with a few more rough days than normal. This year is average…not good, not terrible…about what I expect most Aprils to be for the rest of my life.
What I love about April though is that it always reminds me to slow down. To spend time with my family. To reach out to my friends. To read a book or listen to good music. To open up enough to think about good memories of people long gone…even though 11 months of the year I avoid those thoughts. I get to think about what I’ve done and where I’ve gone in my last 12 Aprils. Aprils are painful but they make me better.
It’s ok to have a Month, or even a few. It’s important to know other people do too. What’s more is that you push through them and come out someone better.
Love others. Love self. Love coffee.
#coffeewithasideofcowbell #coffeeandcowbell #trauma #takecareofyourself #ptsd #anxiety #motherhood